It’s midnight and I don’t know what I’m doing with my life.
This has been a constant line of thinking throughout the past few weeks. It’ll get late and suddenly I’m hit with the thoughts: What am I doing with my life? Where am I going? Can I accomplish anything? Are my goals even tangible?
Inhale, exhale: Things take time.
Let me back up. If I could do anything with my life, at this moment, it’d be this: I want to be a polytheist minister and help others through that role.
But that’s hard when there isn’t a cohesive polytheist community. I tried different organizations: ADF didn’t work out, nor did Unitarian Universalist. I didn’t bother try Wiccan covens, because I know I’m not Wicca.
And to top it all off, I do most of my dealings with an online community. Is it possible to be an online polytheist minister? Maybe. I don’t know of any, though. And local, physical community is so important. Online is great for discussions and ideas, but what about the needed tangible support that a local community is needed for? What can an online community do when someone needs help when they’re sick and struggling, moving across town, or a hand to hold at a funeral parlor? I don’t know how to reconcile that need for physical, tangible help when being hundreds or thousands of miles away.
But let’s bring this back to the reality of the situation: I’m not a minister. I lack the training. I lack the expertise. I am growing with this goal in mind, but I’m still growing. And I need to remind myself that I am young. As much as I don’t feel like a youngster… I’m turning 25 this year. Comparing myself to people in their 30s and 40s and 50s isn’t helping anyone. I cannot ignore that the people I see leading communities didn’t do it over night.
But each night, I am wondering why the next morning I won’t be where I want to be.
I think not knowing my next step is the main problem. Though, I suppose, figuring out my next step is the next step…