One Year Mark and Paying Rent

Thunderstorm

Tomorrow is a big day for me.

Not only is tomorrow Midsummer, thus meaning time to pay rent to Manánnan, and not only is it Father’s Day, but it’ll be the day in which I have remained self-harm free for a year.

TW: self-harm and suicide mentions below cut.

Last year, I was admitted to a mental clinic because of a suicide attempt. The attempt wasn’t pre-planned but rather caused by an intense panic attack. In this panic attack, I attacked myself physically before swallowing all the pills around me in an effort to end my life. It was a very, very brutal couple of days.

The actual day I self-harmed was the 19th I think, but I know of the date because it happened so close to Midsummer. I obviously wasn’t able to pay rent on the exact date and instead waited a month later to do so. Anyway, I decided Midsummer would be a good marker for my progress. This is the longest I’ve gone without inflicting harm on myself. I’m really, really proud of myself. There has been quite a few times where I wanted to–but I managed to resist the urge.

This brings me to Midsummer: I know I’m going to pay rent to Manánnan, as it is proper, but he wasn’t who got me through that ordeal. Lugh helped me immensely. While I was scared in the clinic, alone and frightened, Lugh gave me storms and warmth. So not only do I owe Manánnan his due on Midsummer, I owe his fosterson something too.

I wish I had the money to get a tattoo or something to commemorate the achievement. I know someday I want to get a shark tattoo on my thigh with the words “I Survive.” But that’s costly and I don’t have a job yet.

To add to the weight of tomorrow, it’s also Father’s Day. I love my dad so much. When I went into the hospital, I also was kicked out from the living arrangement (that’s a long and infuriating story). Homeless, my dad wasted no time putting me up in a hotel while me and my fiance found an apartment. He was so patient and understanding. He’s since supported me, too, while I’ve been on this recovery. He means so much to me.

So first thing tomorrow is calling my dad and letting him know how much he means to me. I’ll probably also let him know about the anniversary.

Then I think I’ll make Manánnan some tea and see if he comes to visit while I do so. If not, I will pour it outside when I’m done.

After that, I’m going to pray to Lugh. And thank Him. Thank Him for everything He’s done for me. For watching me. Tell Him how excited I am to oath to Him. Tell Him everything on my heart. He means so much to me and I don’t take the time to sit and talk to Him enough.

Lastly…I am going to try to treat myself to something nice, probably with the help of my fiance. I don’t know what to exactly treat myself too. Maybe I’ll do an art project? Maybe I can get myself a really cool graphic t-shirt? Maybe I’ll make myself a really great dinner? We’ll see!

Tomorrow is going to be great. I know because I’ll make it great. Here’s to one year! To Manánnan! To my father! To Lugh!

– Allec

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